Dealing with a nervous case is like walking on egg shells.

To whom it may concern,

I've started a community, jrpgs_and_wrpgs, dedicated to the discussion of computer and console role-playing games, both of Japanese and Western origin. This is a really niche genre, and a lot of people who play these games prefer to play mainly these games exclusively. Due to the nature of these games, they can be quite addictive, engrossing, and the object of much obsession. Furthermore, there is no community on LiveJournal dedicated strictly to them. Almost all "RPG communities" on LiveJournal are fan fiction exercises, 'RPing,' collections of Final Fantasy icons, or general fangirl/boyism around a single franchise. There is no real discussion about these games going on, and there very well could and should be. This community is yet a seed, but if you like the idea, I encourage you to join, to encourage all your friends who would like it to join, and for all of us to contribute RPG related reading and discussion. That there is nothing like this currently on LJ is good reason that it could be successful, and it will be if we want it to be. I've been on LJ consistently since 2002, so your moderator will be here to stay, as will this community with your help. Furthermore, I can promise you that I am no control freak, will only mandate enough to keep order and productivity in the community, and will otherwise not be a tight ass, anal retentive fascist with a bunch of silly rules and a god complex. So, if you play JRPGs or WRPGs, please come on over, join, and start posting immediately about whatever RPG-related business your heart desires. I'm eager to find my peers in this.

xoxo,
Shane

(to be cross posted)

I deleted almost everyone on my friends list. I definitely deleted more than I kept. This is a public entry, so that might include you. If that actually bothers you, just let me know. It's not that if I cut you that I didn't like you. I just assumed it didn't matter.

None of my feelings or goings-on are any of anyone's business anyway, and it should be more select. So now it is.

I felt kind of offended upon seeing that a few people I rather had liked cut me and had not just been on some kind of hiatus. Oh well.

Bye.

Xenogears is pretty much heavily influenced by the anime Neon Genesis: Evangelion, which was immediately obvious to me upon getting into it.

In NGE, the budget ran dry towards the end and they had to half ass it, eventually making movies to tie up loose ends. But it's basically a seemingly normal anime until the last several episodes and the movie, at which point it's as though everyone in the show eats about a tenstrip of acid before continuing with the story the entire anime is ready to conclude upon as chaos and insanity ensues.

So throughout all of disc one in Xenogears, I'm noticing all these NGE paralells and I'm thinking about the ending, and I'm waiting for it to happen... for all the characters to start eating acid (not literally of course).

And the start of disc two is when it happens. But the thing is, Xenogears didn't handle their running out of money nearly as well as NGE did. What effectively happened is one of the most epic games that was ever made landslides into one of the most epic failures I have ever seen.

While, as far as the story goes, the game itself is solid, even through disc 2, the manner of which you are told this story starting at disc two turns into this summary type deal that rushes you through everything, perks up around heavy points, then goes back to skimming over everything. It does this for ten hours, and by the time you get to the very end... you can't believe it.

The last dungeon is one of the most confusing dungeons I've ever been in in my life.

I still haven't beaten this last boss, and up until now, this game has been one of the easiest I've ever played.

Xenogears should have been cut off at disc one. I can't believe they didn't realize that it should have been, because there was a perfectly good closing point there. Everything after disc two could have been a well done sequel, but what it boils down to is that without disc two, they wouldn't have had their NGE, acid trip ending, which they so obviously wanted since it so obviously is in love with than anime.

I'm left thinking, this game was so much goodness that I couldn't believe it until disc two. Disc two... is hard to swallow and nearly ruins the entire game. In fact, if you don't spend a significant amount of time wanting to still like the game, it absolutely does ruin it.

I resent them for wasting the hours of my life that were wasted on disc two and for making me not want to play this game anymore, as I stand right before the final boss.

God, if you exist, please don't let me be a convicted felon. It's out of my hands now. It's not like I can ask the State. You wouldn't really side with them would you? Friendships don't last that long.

My friend listens to my explanation of my video games and how they differ from other video games that most people play, how they are not just based on animes but more accurately are animes, interactive ones, that are not in the film-watching format, but she only cares because it's something I'm saying to her. It's nice that she really does care, that I could tell her anything and she would listen.

I miss hanging out with Amber and Tyler though because they liked animes, and they got me into animes, and they made me so happy to have friends that didn't smoke weed or drink. But I don't get to see them much. Maybe I will if I can go back to San Marcos next semester, after this Summer. That would make me... so happy. Things would be different this time.

I don't really have good Internet or money, so I can't really watch animes. I have Berserk, Claymore, Death Note, Hellsing, and some others that Amber gave me from her hard drive. I used to stream a lot of anime and watch so much when I lived in San Marcos. So instead I play JRPGs, which are in the same vein really, because I can stock those up easily on my laptop and bring them home.

Amber and Tyler don't really play JRPGs though. Whereas they know a shitton more about anime than me, I know a shitton more about JRPGs than them... and RPGs in general really.

But it would be neat if I had someone to talk to that liked that stuff as much as me... um, especially a girl. Because when anime and JRPGs aren't chock full of over-the-top insanity and general badassery, it's usually pretty cute and sappy.

So... My list to gather is growing.

Threads of Fate - don't know much about this game
Thousand Arms - don't know much about this game
Tales of Destiny - known I needed this for a while, but might as well write it down.
Tales of Eternia - known I needed this for a while, but might as well write it down.
Beyond the Beyond - hear this sucks; might as well put it on the back of the list
Azure Dreams - don't know what this is
Castlevania SOTN - curious about how this got on the RPGEE board, so yeah


edit
I also need the Lunar games

It should have been spelled 'diabetus' but otherwise... best freeware game I've ever played in my life.

In the picture Brimley is hooked up to all those machines because... he has this power to take on the diabetes of other people to cure them of it and he lives on Liberty Island (Liberty Medical, lulz), and he's taken on the diabetes of so many people that he has to be hooked up to insulin regularly.

There's also a town in the sewers made of up furries who got cosmetic surgury to have anthropomophic bodies, fur, and so forth. And they're all down there writing fanfiction and crap.

It's hilarious.

I think nextgen gaming is a lot of bullshit. I'm not saying I wouldn't try out Tales of Vesperia, Star Ocean 4, that I will not really want to play FFXIII (in my preferred genre), or even that I can't enjoy the new Soul Calibur (I'm so good at that game) and games like Left4Dead. But as a whole, the nextgen gaming community bores me. There's no romance in it. It's just a bunch of people obsessed with the military playing online at shooting each other, lots of GTA rip offs, and a plethora of zombie games that started off as a good idea but that have ended with, "Come up with different ideas and stop trying to recreate the success of other games, because it isn't going to work, you entrapeneuing bastards." That said, I loved RE4 and I usually don't like survival horror or shooters (controls and camera angles are the main reason), and I would probably like RE5. I'd rather be shooting zombies than military people and RE is a pretty well established franchise anyway. But the nextgen market is just so much of the exact same thing that it's tearful and the games I see people playing when I walk into their houses just bore the crap out of me. The sort of gamers they cater to are just beyond my understanding, and before now, they had been isolated to the PC. I'm sure if I was the one picking the games, nextgen gaming wouldnt be as bad... but it also wouldnt be worth the money nextgen gaming costs. It's unncessesary for my taste in games mostly.

No romance. at all.

And I'm turning into the classic gamer type, and one day I will move forward and perhaps own my own nextgen consoles, but I will not own all the crappy games most people do and I will not be happy about the direction gaming has gone because of the idiocy of most people that the industry has to cater to by the laws of economics.

So I write in this kind of often again.

I'm playing Xenogears. And in it, The Solaris Special Forces (Gebler), are this military unit and they have giant robots like in giant robot animes. And they use this battle-enhancement drug called Drive that changes their personality, is probably a stimulant, and makes them badasses in battle.

It's so hilarious. Because the enemies will be like, "Damn I'm getting my ass kicked. I need more Drive." And their friends are like, "You've done too much! You'll lose it, man," and it's ridiculous.

But it's actually not that ridiculous. I don't know what the military does now or what new drugs they have, but in the old days, plenty of soliders were taking speed. But what's ridiculous is just the way they talk about it.

Fucking drive. haha.

What an amazingly cute girl you are.

You know how when people see pictures of baby animals and they're the sort of people that get all flustered by this, and their bodies contort and bend over as moans like, "Awwww," escape from their charmed, high-pitched voices. They sometimes speak in tongues and have poor grammar. I'm sure you've seen this sorcery.

This is what happens when I look at a picture of you.

You fucking temptresses.

I will not satisfy you with direct compliments, as that is not even my place. But you do it so much.

People are often overly mean on the Internet, in such a way that it reminds me of being in high school. When I'm presented with such baseness, I don't particularly know how to respond anymore. At one time I would have, especially in a place where people have deluges of personal information about themselves and still photographs that are easy for anyone who is mean enough to make remarks about them to dissect. And I have to remind myself of that so that it doesn't bother me, but what bothers me most is that I'm not the sort of person that would act that way. I suppose this is understood by people that are aggressive-dominant.

I don't like people that aren't tactful or polite, even if they don't like you. I admit that I can be an asshole, but I am not predatory about it or intentionally mean. If I am a dick, it's because someone makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy and I want for them to go away or to ease up to relax. It's not that I'm out to make them feel bad or to call them out on something, even if I think very lowly of them for some reason. It would be untactful of me to say so.

People should confuct themselves properly, be dignified, respectable, and when they can help it, nice people.

It's funny that though I take this passive stance, I will say that I assert myself towards the more dominant role in relationships. It's even true that in an argument in which I know I am right or that I at least know that my point is valid (as sometimes the other party's point is equally valid), I will hold my ground confidently and, again, assert dominance. But when someone resorts to vulgarity, basness, crudeness, meaness... I will give up. For what else is there to do but to resort back to it yourself?

If the person was offended by properness to begin with, then using it to accomplish something is futile. The person can only be ignored. I simply hate that it comes with the sensation of having given up.

So in the past week, random dude from random area code has sent me two pictures of his penis on my cell phone. So, I'm laughing about this with my friend Glenn and Glenn is like, "What's his number?" so I ask, "Why?" and he says, "I'm going to send him a picture of my dick... See how he likes it."

haha

I think he probably might like it though.

There a new Fullmetal Alchemist series in Japan and there's a video game coming out for it on the Wii. All I've seen of it so far is like a minigame scenario of fixing Ed's automail. Knowing the Wii, it wouldn't surprise me if the whole game was just a crappy compilation of minigames, which pretty much sums up the problem the Wii has that needs to be addressed... for most people, the novelty crap of a motion sensor control isn't going to last very long. Minigames are not worth money, and minigames are not what I want to see in the prewview for a Square Enix Fullmetal Alchemist game.

That has potential to be so badass though.

Once all my classic gaming is run out, once I've scoured every wares site I can find and downloaded countless roms and ISOs, I will need money to support my gaming habit.

I want to play Star Ocean 4 (though I hear it sucks). I want to play the 360 Tales games. I'm going to have to play Final Fantasy XIII somehow...

And plus, if I had money, I would hate myself a little bit less. And then maybe I could find me a nerdy girl that will dress up like video game characters for me.

Well, that concludes my need to update. See you when I see you.

Also, I dont correct my typos anymore because I don't play into the delusion that there is anything professional about me or that what I write it anything more than scribblings that don't need revision or editing. However, I am aware of the imperfection.

I just realized I'm almost 23. I hate myself.

Anyway, I have to go to court in like four or five hours. To top it off, I can't even go alone because some yet unknown problem has arisen with my car, in which it cannot get up to over 40 mph even with a hill. And with a problem like that, I'm just not going to drive it at all until it works well. I've ruined too many cars driving them when they shouldn't have been driven. Hopefully that can be fixed.

I haven't been playing Revelations: Persona much because I left my laptop's power cable at Glenn's house the last time we partied. I got fucked up and sang songs all night, killed zombies in Left4Dead, destroyed everyone in the new Soul Calibur (I'm so fucking good at that game apparently), and otherwise found other reasons to be ashamed of myself. Yeah whatever. But that's where my power cable is and if my car wasn't in its state I'd go get it.

So instead I've been playing Tales of Phantasia, because this computer isn't powerful enough to handle PSX games but can easily do SNES ones. There's actually probably a better port of ToP on PSX but what can you do. Anyway it's not a bad game. It's my first Tales games.

I should be enrolled in a drug awareness program and I'm not. Lawyer recomended it, gave me the number, and I just never did it. Why? Because I slept all day too many days and played video games all night. Fuck me. Let's hope I don't go to jail! Or not.

I miss thinking about girls, but seeing as to how I hate myself, I could never expect a girl to like me. I'm not used to hating myself. It's weird, but I genuinely do. I've been sad and not happy plenty of times in my life, but rarely have I not liked me. I finally know what it feels like it.

And I could never want to be the worthless asshole boyfriend. I'm pretty worthless. I'd rather just be alone. I really, really, really, really would.

Next time I get access to fast, unrestricted Internet, I have to find:

Planescape: Torment (PC)
Baldur's Gate II (PC)
Skies of Arcadia (Dreamcast)
Shenmue (Dreamcast)
Grandia II (Dreamcast)
Ys: Origin (PC)

And download Exit Fate from here.

I life of innocence would be without shame, but at a point it gets too late. The strongest feelings I have ever known are both love and shame. I'm not sure which is stronger as I don't know exactly how one would compare them.

There's a crappy spin-off of Speed Racer on Nickelodeon and they stole my guitar riff for the opening theme... Not that it really matters.

I used to identify as being a writer. Now I don't identify as anything. I don't really have a purpose or a meaning or an ideal or a belief or anything. Maybe I have a hope. But I don't have any will. I don't have any structure or discipline. I hate the fact that I should sound so much better than I do.

I don't think that guy is going to call me back. It's just as well. After the interview, I didn't want the job anymore anyway.

I want to work with people that have class. I want to dress nicely and conduct myself with tact. I don't want to be a peon.

I wish that something was important to me that I was a part of, but nothing is. It's all too far away.

It's the same things I always say and always feel.

I procrasinate everything. I'm terrified of expectations and want them at the same time.

At least I'm no as depressed.

So the guy who is hiring me directly to work for the company that keeps the AT&T Center in order is going to see how I get things done and if I have the balls to order around his deadbeat workers.

I'm going to have to go in there with the most capitalist mindset I can muster. I'm going to have to be a cutthroat, hardass motherfucker. I want that position. If I have to be working class, I can at least be the gestapo.

Such is the world we live in.

characterizedbye: So I went back to that place I told you about yesterday, the agency that my mom's friend's company uses to get workers... and there was a stinky dude sleeping like right in front of the desk, people propped up against walls like in a homeless shelter.
characterizedbye: I told my mom that and she told her friend who told her husband
characterizedbye: and he said last night he caught some of them shooting up
characterizedbye: and I think after what I said they just lost their contract
characterizedbye: and Im getting hired direct
characterizedbye: I wasnt kidding
characterizedbye: that place was trash
OiseauxMorts: lull

I drove all the way to fucking Fredericksburg road to find that I'd left my social security card at home. Their office is practically a holding cell or a warehouse (not much difference really) and it's filled with people that would probably call me "juedo" (I don't know if that's spelled right, but it means white boy) and they won't even look at my application without it because I'm probably an illegal.

Fuck. IF I knew I was driving out to a place like that, I could have driven to one closer to here.

Laborer's deserve an office building you could take your mother to.

I hate being working class. At one point in my life, my punk rock youthdom, I was proud of being that, and now it's shameful to me. It was in fact my punk rock youthdom that prevented me from aspiring outwards early...

I have too much pride and so I will always be ashamed.

I'm seriously starting to think about joining a list of video game RPG communities to release things I would say about my obessive need to defeat every PSX RPG in the world.

Today I woke up and said, "I'm not going to play Persona II until I call these drug awareness people, my lawyer, and go fill out this job application on the west side. And lo, I'm about to leave to go finish all that up. And when I return, the Persona II will commence.

I beat Valkyrie Profile, got the shitty B ending, was terribly pissed off.

I hate the contact system in Persona II and wish there was a way to not do it, but there really isn't.

I was taking out my game posting needs on GameFAQ forums, which as a former Something Awful poster, is quite blasphemous. But I fucking hate SA. At least on GameFAQs, posting in a community is not grounds for the whole community to rip you apart for comedy. Fuck SA. Problem with GameFAQs is all the little kids and the TOS violations, but between that... the RPG - Everything Else board is the shit.

edit - and I should honestly say the northwest side, as there's a huge difference.

The most miserable time of the year is upon us: Spring. Time to get uzed to walking around like a zombie on Benadryls.

I may be getting a job at the AT&T Center in San Antonio. That's where the Spurs play Basketball.

I've been playing Valkyrie Profile. I have lots of games again. I have Suikoden I and II, Alundra II, Shadow Madness (for laughs), Final Fantasy Tactics, Persona I and II, Breath of Fire IV, ummm... what else... there's definitely more. At least 10 or 12.

Apparently a game came out by an indie developer in '08 called Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam Gaiden: Chapter One in the Barkley Hoopz Saga. Obviously it's a joke... an RPG...

"The Great B-Ball Purge of 2041, a day so painful to some that it is referred to only as the "B-Ballnacht". Thousands upon thousands of the world's greatest ballers were massacred in a swath of violence and sports bigotry as the game was outlawed worldwide. The reason: the Chaos Dunk, a jam so powerful its mere existence threatens the balance of chaos and order. Among the few ballers and fans that survived the basketball genocide was Charles Barkley, the man capable of performing the "Verboten Jam"..."

She speculated upon exactly what I would have said without any inhibition when she asked me what could make it better. And if you were here, the world would be a much easier thing to enjoy. The great and wonderful things about me would thrive, and the dark and brooding, twisted and diseased thing about me would cure. There would be less negative adjectives and all.

The last thing I want to do today is drive to Austin to see my lawyer. I've realized that today, I'm not even going to see him about my felony offense, so it's really just going to be nothing of interest... at least comparitively. And I have to go right through 6th street, just a block off of it, and find some god damned parking I can afford. I fucking don't want to do that.

It will give me a chance to visit the San Marcos crowd afterwards though.

Bubble wrap is an innately human pleasure.

As I sometimes will become, I was struck by how a woman sat, until I realized she sat on the bench and was the DA. Suddenly, her beauty transformed into a disease of mankind.

If I believed in bad omens, I would watch for darkness in the sky. My fever is returning and I have court in two and half hours.

My journals have, more than anything else, been a documentation of my obsessions, of which there have been many, from girls, to drugs, to various books, bands like Modest Mouse, screamo music, and things like that. I have it in my nature to obsess over things. If only I could control what those things were. I could have been a great scientist.

I lost at least 60 to 70 megabytes and hours worth of downloading today... on dialup, which is all I have to connect with at the moment. I will keep doing this, hopefully getting disc one before Friday. If not, on Friday, after court, I will spend as long as it takes at the University downloading FFVII on wireless.